“I have mixed feelings about my father’s impending death. I love him, and yet I hate him.”
Processing these conflicted feelings while anticipating grief is a very tough process. When a loved one is dying, there may be some unresolved issues or unfinished business that need to be dealt with.
Though often used interchangeably, ‘unresolved issues’ and ‘unfinished business’ have distinct meanings. Unresolved issues and unfinished business often revolve around emotional, relational, practical, or spiritual matters.
These can lead to deep and intense feelings of anger, grief, anxiety, regret, or helplessness. Unresolved grief can manifest as anger, guilt, or delayed depression, among other emotions. Others may experience hypervigilance, clinginess, or detachment.
What are Unresolved Issues?
Unresolved issues are emotional or relational wounds that remain unhealed or unaddressed. They often stem from:
- Childhood experiences or past events
- Conflicts or difficulties that were never worked through
- Unspoken issues, where the other person may not even be aware
- Guilt, often arising from the illusion that there was more time to make things right
- Loss, as these feelings can persist even after someone’s death, leading to prolonged or complicated grief
Common Examples:
- Parental favouritism
- Unreceived forgiveness
- Childhood resentment
- Feeling unaccepted by someone important
To heal you need to find emotional resolution; finding peace with what did or did not happen.
My client’s late father was a respectable man in the community. But no one knows of the physical, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse that went on behind closed doors since he was a child. He had never felt accepted by his father though he tried very hard in pleasing him. His impending death also made it very hard for my client to even raise the issue or his inner thoughts and feelings with his father.
What is Unfinished Business?
Unfinished business refers to meaningful actions, conversations, or interactions that never took place — often due to time constraints, fear, denial, or conflict. These unresolved matters can continue to affect your emotional and mental well-being. They are typically:
- Situational and specific, with a strong sense of urgency or missed opportunity
- Involving relationships or interactions between people
- Common Examples:
- Words left unsaid (“I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “I forgive you”)
- Missed goodbyes or unspoken final wishes
- Hidden truths like buried family secrets
Common Examples:
- Regrets about not reconciling
- Unresolved conflicts or unanswered questions
- Feeling unprepared to cope without the person
- Feeling unseen or unvalued by them
Practical issues:
- Lack of a will or inheritance disputes
- Medical decisions, caregiving responsibilities, or family disagreements
To move forward, you may need to complete something important that was left undone.
How to face unresolved issues or unfinished business?
It can be incredibly painful to carry those unresolved issues or unfinished business while facing the impending loss of a loved one. Here are some handles that will help:
1. Prioritise your need for closure
- Even as you are racing against time, it is important for you to express both your positive and difficult feelings to bring peace to you and the dying person. Closure is less about fixing the past and freeing yourself to move forward.
- Write a letter to the dying person (even if it can’t be read/shared.)
2. Focus on your underlying feelings instead of the conflicts
- Even if they’re unconscious or unable to respond, speak to them. Many believe the dying retain the awareness—your voice can still reach them, and your presence can still be felt.
- Begin with simple, honest words: There’s so much I want to say to you. I do care/love you even though we have had struggles.
- I’ve been holding on to sadness/anger/regret about _____, and I don’t want it to stay with us.
- I just want you to know I love you/ I forgive you.
- I hope you understand me. I hope you can forgive me.
- I wish we had more time to understand each other. I’ll remember a specific memory/your laugh/a shared moment.
- Humans are complex beings. It’s OK to feel conflicted; love, anger, grief, and forgiveness can co-exist! Be gentle with yourself.
3. Express love, gratitude, and good memories
- Choosing to remember the fond memories and the legacies of the dying ensures that they are not forgotten after death. It’s the continuing bond we have with the deceased.
4. Create meaningful rituals or shared moments near the end
- Holding their hands, talking to them gently, playing soft music, praying with them, reading to them, or sitting quietly together.
5. Seek a mediator, therapist or spiritual guide for support
- You don’t have to carry the guilt of caregiving, not doing enough, or death itself.
- Fear that the loved ones die afraid or lonely.
6. Let go of your expectations!
- The dying person may not respond as you hope due to the illness, emotional barriers, or cognitive decline. The act of speaking up is what matters.
Epilogue
My client procrastinated for a long time and missed the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation with his father, who passed away suddenly due to a heart attack. Eventually, I managed to process his emotions several weeks after the funeral. It was a relief for him to find peace and have his own closure.
When dealing with anticipatory grief, it is essential to recognise that unresolved issues and unfinished business are entangled with love. We experience such deep pain because we care so much. Sometimes, these unresolved matters conceal deeper needs within us, and it is crucial for our pain to be acknowledged and our truth to be spoken.
You don’t have to resolve every issue to love them well. Sometimes, a single honest moment—a touch, a tear, a whispered “I’m here”—is enough to lighten the weight of the unsaid.
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