Why Can’t I Leave a Toxic Relationship?
“He would pull my hair, slam knock my head on the floor, and kick me. After then, he would apologise, buy me branded bags, and bring me to nice places for dinner. Sometime later, the whole cycle would repeat itself. I was very confused. I also felt anxious and helpless. I wanted to leave him but couldn’t.”
I have several clients who come in with similar stories. The question commonly asked is ‘Why can’t I leave this toxic relationship?’
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is an intense emotional attachment to the abuser, often results in cycle of abuse followed by periods of kindness or remorse. It is characterised by a complex web of fear, love, dependency, manipulation, control, and loyalty. This bond can make it extremely difficult for the person to leave the toxic relationship. Very often, the person is attracted to the abuser, and there are some links to the person’s family-of-origin issues.
Trauma bonding exists in various contexts: most commonly found in abusive romantic relationships and abusive parent-child relationships. Others include domestic violence, cults or hostage situations where the victim suffers from Stockholm Syndrome.
How Trauma Bonds Hurt
Trauma bonds are hard to break because they exploit deep survival and emotional instincts. The brain has conditioned to seek out the “reward” of affection after the pain or abuse. As it may activate deep-rooted fears of abandonment or worthlessness, victims often believe that they are the ones to blame and feel shame, perpetuating the lies that they don’t deserve better, they are helpless, and there’s no way out.
Also, victims may associate love with pain, control, manipulation, and chaos, believing that to love is to suffer. They also feel lonely and emotionally isolated and find it difficult to open up to trust people.
Furthermore, victims often feel that safe, respectful relationships are boring as their nervous systems have been primed to the lows and highs of trauma bonding, and they are unable to emotionally regulate themselves in stable situations. Hence, the relationship keeps them bound to the abuser. Without healing, they may re-enter into another abusive relationship.
Breaking Trauma Bonds
In breaking the bond, I get my clients to
- Read up about trauma bonding & narcissism and understand the manipulation tactics like gaslighting and love-bombing
- Recognise the abusive pattern in the relationship
- Reconnect with people that they trust by having a support system.
- Remain calm and cognitive
- Retain physical and emotional distance between them and the abuser, and
- Reclaim the perspective of healthy relationships.
Trauma Bonding and Therapy
Therapy is different from just talking to friends for advice. Therapy goes deep down to help clients:
- Heal layers of trauma including Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) and abuse
- Deal with abandonment and rejection issues
- Empower clients in recognising red flags
- Draw boundaries
- Build a sense of personhood by developing positive self-esteem.
My clients have experienced healing and transformation. They have moved on from where they first came, and they are functional and confident individuals today. In fact, several are in healthy relationships.
It is very hard to break trauma bonds because they exploit deep survival and emotional instincts. You don’t have to suffer in silence, and it is not hopeless and helpless. There is a hope and future for you.
Questions about Trauma Bonding?
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